Self-designated special white lady

So something LM said in the comments to my post about the b.s. at Angry Black Woman’s “Thank you white people,” thread made me uncomfortable.  I tried to figure out why, and I think this is what it is:

A white person in ABW’s comment thread threw out a “well it’s not very nice to talk about hating whitey!” type of thing early on.  And my post was in response to the fact that it is a crazy thing to go to a thread like that one and mention something that not only didn’t even happen there – no use of the term “whitey” whatsoever – but that I have personally never seen used anywhere on the blogs I read, written mostly by women of color.

I said that I knew *I* had used that term, and then I said in my comments that I liked using it.

And then LM mentioned that some other white people seem to like using the word “honky.”

I read that and went to myself, “Ew!  It irritates me when white people use that word – it is so self-referential and often used as an attempt to ironically signify oneself as ‘not like those other, racist white people.’”

Then I thought – well what is it exactly that I am doing by using “whitey” the way I do?  How would that be different?  How would that NOT be me trying to signify “hey I am a specially not-racist white person and I prove this by talking about other white people as if I am not-them, and in an angry, insulting way”?

I do still agree with what I said (in comments, in the other thread, talking with LM) about not seeing honky or whitey as racist slurs, but I think that I have been doing something with using “whitey” that is lame.  For me, as a white person saying it.

Mostly when I have tried to chime in with support in places online where I see racism happening, I have tried to steer away from framing it in a self-righteous way, like I’m outraged-on-behalf-of-people-of-color-and-so-I-am-going-to-look-down-my-nose-at-this-stupid-white-person-and-call-him-or-her-names.  (Versus addressing specifics of what is going on, and why it’s not okay.)  I have tried not to do that because it always feels to me like a re-centering of whatever’s actually going on to an exhibition of my-good-white-person-credentials.  Well, and also because I have never experienced it as an effective tactic, in any sense, whatever the goal.

My point is that I think there are a ton of ways where I can be doing the above-mentioned thing that grosses me out when I see other people do it (puffing myself up as a sort of blow-hard Hero to People Of Color [tm]), and all the while be trying to make myself even special-er by telling myself that what I’m doing is different.

I also thought about this because of another post at ABW called “Allies Talking.”  I got mad about that post – not at Angry Black Woman, but at the idea that somehow it may be acceptable for so-called well-meaning racist white people to expect gentle approaches from anyone, including other white people, to try and coax them into being allies.  I wrote to ABW that I felt like the only post I could write for that carnival would be along the lines of “Snap out of it, motherfuckers, I’m tired of this shit.”

Now I feel like, is it laziness for me to want to dismiss the whole thing?  Not laziness as in would-rather-sit-on-the-couch-than-write-a-post and submit it, but lazy thinking?  To say fuck this, if people aren’t on board, they deserve non-confrontational discussions even LESS, fuck ‘em, I’m not talking to people like that anymore.  Considering that it is my belief that the majority of white people where I live, in the U.S., are like the white people ABW has asked other white people to consider addressing, and considering I do want that to change, well what is it that I think will accomplish that?  My rageful dismissiveness?

I have to say I do actually consider ideas like separatism to be valid.  That’s not even the topic of her post, and nothing anyone else has really brought up to my knowledge.  I’m just saying – I don’t think that any person of color would be guilty for not acting on their own rageful dismissiveness, if that’s how they feel.  I don’t think it’s lazy thinking for a person of color to say, yes, have had it with white people who need coddling in order to consider dealing with racism, fuck ‘em, I’m done.  Taken to whatever degree an individual feels is necessary for them.

I think that it’s different for me to do it, though.  I’m not saying I need to, or can, do any coddling, I’m not saying “well hell this is what it’s obviously going to take so I should pitch in.”  I am still mad that for many people, coddling is indeed what it seems to take, and even then, well…  I am not thinking of a ton of cases lately where I have even seen the most respectful and patient approaches result in much change in white people’s attitudes.

Be that as it may, and being as it is that I am uncomfortable using the word “ally” in reference to myself (I feel like it’s not up to me to decide if anyone else feels like I am allied with their well-being; I don’t think you get to just title yourself that way), I still have an underlying belief about what it is that I owe the people around me and indeed, the world at large. 

And I’m pretty sure it isn’t a declaration that because I find the work maddening, I am simply not going to do it.  I think it makes more sense to ask myself, well if I don’t think this one way is working, who am I not to try and think of a different way, then?